Shedding

In the begining, I wrote about my need to clear the clutter of my past life as part of my healing process. I've recovered from the flu and have spent the last couple of day with a maniacal glint in my eye as I've decluttered cupboards, outdoor areas and basically anything that caught my eye. I have been ruthless and have found an odd sense of joy and even relief in the process. It's almost as though I can't stand to have it in my living environment anymore and I need to get it out NOW.

This all began about 4 weeks ago when I finally bit the bullet and went through my school shelves. These shelves contained all of my planning, teacher resources etc. The first day was really an emotional slog. A mixed bag of happy and sad memories, anger at the waste, fear about what I would do now that I'd let this career go and embarrassment that I'd held onto it for so long that my resources were out of date and could no longer help anyone. I ended up knocking off early and going for a walk at the dam with dogs and my mother in tow. I needed soothing and the bush and water always do this for me. Whatever pain and emotional discomfort I was still feeling I shed into my journal that night. As a result, the second day was much easier.

Now my attention is focussed on the clutter in my cupboards, in my yard and the Everest of clutter - the shed. The shed contains the rest of my past. Boxes we've not unpacked since we moved here 9 years ago! The trappings of a life I no longer have or even want. I know there is a relationship between shedding my body clutter and cleaning out my environment. I'm unable at present to really articulate this, my mind feels full and cluttered itself as I deal with all of this letting go. So for now I'll concentrate on feeling what I'm feeling, continue telling myself that it's safe to do so and I'll keep decluttering. I've been surprised by the amount of fear and anxiety I have had surface as I wonder 'what will fill the space'? Not the physical space, the energetic space. I feel like I'm making an energy vacuum in my life and really don't know what is going to come in. I just have to trust something good will come.

Do you have anything you need to let go of?