Update

Being a lover of blog posts with pictures I keep putting off posting until I can locate the cable thingy that attaches my camera and computer. Problem is I keep forgetting to look for it and then don't post. Grrr. Need to get my act together. Anyway, had a loss of 0.3kgs this week and 0.7kg the week before. Over the past four weeks I've lost 1.5kg so I'm losing slowly. VERY SLOWLY. I'm getting a bit frustrated by how slowly I am losing but hey, a little loss is better than nothing. This week is week two on the new Weight Watchers ProPoints system and I am still finding it to be easier and more natural to use than the old system. Really not sure why as previously I was feeling very rebellious and angst ridden towards the whole idea of counting points and now suddenly it doesn't worry me. In fact I positively scurry to the computer to track and I love seeing the numbers and statistics all change. Go figure.

I've finally done a quick measure to see what progress I've made there.

Chest
Week 1 113.5cm
Current 103cm
Loss of 10.5cm (woohoo)

Waist
Week 1 101.5cm
Current 94cm (was 93 in July, what's up with that?)
Loss of 7.5cm

Hips
Week 1 119cm
Current 106cm
Loss of 13cm (double woohoo)

Seeing these results has inspired me to dig out my more complete measurement list and do a little comparison. I know I've lost a lot in the upper chest, just at the bottom of my bra under my boobs and just above the knee. Will be interesting to see the difference.

Exercise
I've built up my exercise to 30 minute walks most days (this includes some hills). Two days per week I do a longer walk of between 45 mins to an hour over the same undulating terrain. I haven't been great with the resistance work or yoga as I've been focussing on creating consistency. This is the longest I've been able to maintain these longer walks (as in how many consecutive days I can do them for) in years. Since I first got sick really.

Health
Although I've needed a few afternoon sleeps of late I'm not too worried. I am feeling better than I have in years and I think the sleeps were a response to all the hard decluttering work that I've been doing. I carried and emptied boxes etc and filled a giant pink skip bag (3m cubed) that was collected last week. I have my blood work done next week in preparation for a return visit to the endocrinologist in just over 2 weeks time. We'll see where my thyroid is at (hopefully euthyroid and no longer underactive). If my thyroid is still underactive I think the plan was for me to go back onto thyroxine. As I have active Grave's Disease (overactive) as well as Hashimotos (underactive), it can be somewhat challenging to medicate me properly. I am hoping that surgery to remove thyroid (and the impact of Grave's Disease) is NOT on the cards. As troublesome as it is, I'd prefer to keep my body intact if at all possible. My friend has had her thyroid removed as has not had an easy time since.

Sorry I've been so slow and hit and miss with my posts.

Ooh, I am having a girls weekend here at my place next weekend and I'm feeling quite excited about it. After years of being so isolated and unable to do anything of much at all due to ill health it feels a terribly normal and healthy thing to do. So far there will be 5 of us with possibly two more. Lucky I have a big house and lots of beds!

Drop in and leave a comment if you haven't given up on me. I'd love to hear how you are all doing.

Here's to seeing less of me next week but hearing more....

Terrible blogger

Well I've rediscovered my weight loss mojo but not my motivation to blog. I've had a loss this week at weigh in. 0.7kgs which brings my total loss up to 6.3kg since May when I first began this journey. Weight Watchers has just rolled out their new ProPoints plan here so I've been on this for 2 days now. It still uses points but these have been redefined and encourage healthier food choices which is great. I've not done my measurements but will do so over the coming weeks in order to have a peek at my progress.

As you know I've really struggled with motivation for awhile and I think even though I stopped tracking for awhile, continuing to attend meetings has been extremely valuable. I think taking pressure off myself and allowing myself to not track has helped me to find my motivation again. I did concentrate on eating only when hungry, eating until satisfied, choosing healthy options instead of tracking points so I didn't just go crazy. I also kept thinking about why I wanted to lose weight and how my life will be different when I do. I have no illusions that life will suddenly be perfect upon reaching my goal weight. I will still lack confidence in some situations. I'll still have to interact with difficult people and circumstances. I will still have the same health history and conditions BUT I won't have the constant nagging presence of extra weight. I won't feel so physically uncomfortable and inhibited. I will have improved my health and decreased my chances of developing new diseases. Keeping my eye on this goal has helped me through this time as has reading blogs of lovely ladies out there in blogland who are maintaining successful losses. Speaking of which, congratulations to Shelley who is celebrating a year of maintenance. Superb effort!

My next goal is to achieve my 10% loss by Christmas. It's only 2.8kg away. So very close. I feel really awkward posting photos of myself but think reaching 10% will be worthy of a progress photo!

Hope you are all well and making little positive changes to your life.

Until next time.....

Perception is a funny thing.

Thanks for checking up on me while I've been missing in action. Very sweet of you and perks me up immensely. I've been struggling a bit since my return from holiday. My weight was down when we got home then has gone up, down and all over the place (in only very small amounts) over the past 5 weeks. My attitude has been the main problem along with a few hormonal spanners thrown in the works. I've really been struggling to follow the Weight Watchers Point System. I've felt really rebellious, burnt out and fed up with the whole thing. So....I've spent the past couple of weeks mulling this over in my personal journal, while taking walks through the trees, while digging in the garden or washing my hair. You know how it is.

I realised that I am a bit burnt out. When I first fell ill in 2000 I started educating myself about nutrition as medicine. First for general health and enhancing immune function and then after I developed cancer I focussed on foods that help with this disease. I made big changes and little changes, tried this and that but was always thinking about food and nutrition and all the while during this time my weight was going up. So I joined Weight Watchers and started learning again, having to change things again and I think I was just over it. I've been sick and tired of having to think about what I eat. I also had a bit of an attitude problem with Weight Watchers focus predominantly on points rather than the nutritional value of food. I think the points should be weighted in a way that encourages people to eat for nutrition first and all of the highly processed, sugary bars and the like should have higher points. They might be really seen as treats then as opposed to a viable daily food option. Off high horse now.

So what have I done about it? Interestingly, just realising why I was struggling took the pressure off and refocussed me. I just needed to suck it up and do what needs doing in this next stage of getting healthy. I dug out some information on the old core plan (which is closer to my natural way of eating) and have monitored my eating by eating to my appetite, eating mindfully and eating good, unprocessed nutritious foods. As a result I feel better, eating feels less of a chore and more natural and I've lost weight consistently. I'm also back on my supplements (which I went off as they made up 1/4 of my daily points allowance) and feel better for it. Since I'm still losing weight I'll continue to take them. Even though I've struggled mentally, I kept going to meetings and weighing in. I quite like it actually. Meetings are a little outing for me during the week and the group is really great. Combine that with a lovely leader and things are still good on that front.

Another thing I've noticed during this time away, is how our perception of our bodies changes. As I went up the scale 84kgs was huge and I felt dreadfully bloated and uncomfortable. Coming back down the scale 84kgs feels light, movement feels easier and I feel 'slim' at times. I'm sure that I look different to myself as well. On the way up the scale I would have been noticing where fat had suddenly appeared, where I looked puffier and more pudgy. Now I notice how slim I look just above my waist and how I can see more of my collar bones. Perception is a funny thing.

How do you see yourself? Does it change in unexpected ways?

Home

We are home safely from the States and Canada and I must say that we rather enjoyed ourselves and didn't fall prey to large wildlife! :) I'll post the holiday report and pictures over at Heart's Landscapes and try to keep this blog related to health and weight loss. After all of my stressing about managing my weight while on holiday I managed to lose 0.2kg (massive amount that it is!). By my following week I'd managed to gain 0.6kgs thanks mostly I think to a particularly ghastly couple of weeks in the Red Tent. That's 'that time of the month' for those who aren't in the know.

So how did I manage to lose weight while on holiday? Basically I chose the best foods that were available to me whenever we ate. Most of the time anyway. I did have to have a couple of 'local meals' as you do when you travel. So I had a burger, fries and coke (yes people I. drank. coke.). I also indulged in this.........
Well, about a 1/4 of this. Too huge to eat but surprisingly tasty. We don't eat a lot of turkey here in Australia and I've never had it smoked on a barbie before. This photo was taken at the Evergreen State Fair near Seattle and for me it was all part of the experience.

Mostly I ordered meals with salads or vegetables and ate those first before the protein. We had fruit and almonds on hand in the car and drank heaps of water. We bought large bottles at the supermarket and topped up our smaller bottles from these. I also confess to drinking a disgusting amount of Starbucks coffee as we found tea very hard to come by. Starbucks has espresso coffee (like we have here), the main other option is that ghastly percolated stuff which the Americans seem to drink by the gallon.

I also wore my pedometer and tried to keep my steps up by taking the long way to a destination, choosing the stairs over the lift etc. I don't remember doing any exercise purely for the sake of exercise, I included it in my day as incidental movement. In Canada my daily steps were at least double what I would normally do here (up to 16000 some days). In the States, they dropped to 4000-6000 most days which is less than my usual 8000. So I must have made good food choices and had a bit of a handle on portion size.

I am still struggling with motivation and focus so am setting aside some time today to journal, go over my Weight Watchers bits and pieces and read some more of "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. Must say ladies it is a BRILLIANT book. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. I'm reading it slowly because it's sending me off onto great journal writing and reflective tangents. If you can get hold of a copy I highly recommend it - well the bit I've read anyway.

What do you do when you lose focus and motivation? I know that I have to and importantly I know that I want to, so why am I dragging the chain and resisting really doing something about it? Life would be so easy if our heads stopped getting in the way. Back to the journal.

Hope you are all well and happy.

Slipping and sliding

I feel like I'm off track at present. I stopped tracking about 5 weeks ago when my WW journal ran out and they had no replacements. Life got busy and I let it slide and although I've still lost around a kilo in that time I'm really not paying attention to what I'm doing. Struggled today. Had a visit to the endocrinologist today (thyroid inflamed and underactive but still not being medicated - reviewing this in December). I arrived home tired and instead of having a rest, I ate 3 choc chip biscuits THAT I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE. Note to self.....eating doesn't lift your energy when what you really need is REST. I feel like a hamster on a wheel learning that lesson. Also, why eat crap I don't even like? Why? Why? WHY? Three biscuits isn't a huge blow out but it was a bad choice and I ate for the wrong reasons. Ate more biscuits yesterday at my sisters. Paid no attention really to what I was doing which is the problem.

Only 5 more sleeps until we head out to the States and Vancouver. Need to make a commitment to getting back into tracking and maintaining my tracking while on holiday. Want to minimise 'food amnesia'. My goal is to maintain my present weight while travelling. I'm not sure if I'll get to post while on the road so if you don't hear from me for 4 weeks or so I'm just out enjoying myself or being eaten/chased/played with by a bear in the backwoods of America somewhere.

Stay well everyone and I hope you are a bit more focussed than I am at present.

Shedding

In the begining, I wrote about my need to clear the clutter of my past life as part of my healing process. I've recovered from the flu and have spent the last couple of day with a maniacal glint in my eye as I've decluttered cupboards, outdoor areas and basically anything that caught my eye. I have been ruthless and have found an odd sense of joy and even relief in the process. It's almost as though I can't stand to have it in my living environment anymore and I need to get it out NOW.

This all began about 4 weeks ago when I finally bit the bullet and went through my school shelves. These shelves contained all of my planning, teacher resources etc. The first day was really an emotional slog. A mixed bag of happy and sad memories, anger at the waste, fear about what I would do now that I'd let this career go and embarrassment that I'd held onto it for so long that my resources were out of date and could no longer help anyone. I ended up knocking off early and going for a walk at the dam with dogs and my mother in tow. I needed soothing and the bush and water always do this for me. Whatever pain and emotional discomfort I was still feeling I shed into my journal that night. As a result, the second day was much easier.

Now my attention is focussed on the clutter in my cupboards, in my yard and the Everest of clutter - the shed. The shed contains the rest of my past. Boxes we've not unpacked since we moved here 9 years ago! The trappings of a life I no longer have or even want. I know there is a relationship between shedding my body clutter and cleaning out my environment. I'm unable at present to really articulate this, my mind feels full and cluttered itself as I deal with all of this letting go. So for now I'll concentrate on feeling what I'm feeling, continue telling myself that it's safe to do so and I'll keep decluttering. I've been surprised by the amount of fear and anxiety I have had surface as I wonder 'what will fill the space'? Not the physical space, the energetic space. I feel like I'm making an energy vacuum in my life and really don't know what is going to come in. I just have to trust something good will come.

Do you have anything you need to let go of?

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

In my first post I mentioned that I had been dealing with a number of health issues for the past....ooh 10 years I suppose. While some of the conditions I've been dealing with have been life threatening, it's Chronic Fatigue Syndrome that has had the biggest impact on my life. As my health has continued to improve these past 3 months or so, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to remember just what it was like to live with fatigue. Having the flu has triggered my memory and I thought I'd get it down before I start to forget again.

I was diagnosed with CFS in 2001 after a long time of struggling with fatigue, brain fog, and a host of other transient and seemingly unrelated symptoms. Before my diagnosis I'd heard very little about CFS and was not sure if it was really even real. It took quite awhile to be diagnosed as I was already dealing with the physical effects of a mosquito borne disease and a pair of auto-immune diseases. Both of these can also create the symptoms that I was experiencing. When I talk about fatigue I don't mean really, really tired due to being overly busy or from having performed some marvelous feat of physical endurance. I mean fatigue, debilitating fatigue that doesn't go away no matter how much you rest or how little you do. I'd go for months and not be able to stand up in the shower because it took too much out of me. I would shake, get heart palpitations and sleep like the dead for 3-4 hours after bathing because it took so much out of me. Sometimes I couldn't get myself off the toilet I was so tired and weak (thankfully I always got there in the first place!). The worst was when I couldn't unscrew the lid on the milk bottle. I'd have to wait for my neighbour to come down to check his mail so he could open it or even worse, I'd have to wait until Jeff came home from work. Imagine not even being able to make a cup of tea for yourself (I obviously have milk in my tea :)).

The level of fatigue that I am talking about impacts every little aspect of your life. Holding a conversation with someone is exhausting and can leave you 'bottomed out' for days on end. Doing the housework, driving the car, doing the grocery shopping, preparing meals, having a life all become a HUGE struggle. Some days I would be so tired that I wouldn't even bathe because all that is involved took energy that I simply did not have. When you are healthy you don't think about the energy involved in simple acts like bathing. You need to go to the bedroom and get fresh clothes then head to the bathroom. Then you need to take your current clothing off - this requires lifting your arms above your head and bending down - these require more energy. Then you need to get in the shower and do more of the arms up, arms down business = more energy. My God, then you have to get out and use a towel which by this time feels as heavy as lead to your fatigued muscles. Finally you need to get dressed which requires bending up and down, lifting legs, fastening zips, buttons etc. Let me tell you on some days it is just impossible to do.

Being so exhausted and having such little things total you effects you in a number of ways. I found I lost all spontaneity. Being spontaneous requires energy and that was something I obviously didn't have. I found that I had to plan everything and to micromanage my life in order to get the most out of what energy I had. Life becomes an endless stream of compromises e.g. cook a healthy dinner or be able to take a shower; talk to a friend on the phone or pay the bills that are waiting. You rarely have energy to do both. Something as normal and as simple as going for coffee with girlfriends becomes overwhelmingly impossible on some days and always resulted in days of being totally wiped out and unable to do anything but sleep. As a result you become socially isolated and disconnected from the things that you once enjoyed doing. I love to paint, draw, sew and do a variety of crafts but I was able to do very little and had to learn to do things in 5 minutes sessions, sometimes less.

All of this sleeping and lying around on the couch watching DVD's of course contributed to my weight gain. How do you exercise when you can't even bathe? Having come from an active background I knew how important exercise is to maintaining health and as part of the recovery process. No matter how tired I was I tried to do something every day - this needed a huge adjustment in thinking and I needed to redefine my idea of what exercise was. Previously I'd walk for an hour or swim or cycle. Now a walk consisted of trying to get out to the mailbox and back or to make it to my back fence. Weight lifting turned into doing 1 or 2 moves but minus the weights - just taking my muscles through the range of motion. Stretches were given to me by the physio and were done in bed. Exercise was only done on 'good days' and I needed to learn to see any movement and any ability to string together consecutive days of movement as a huge success.

As I learned to manage my life and home more effectively (thank you Flylady) I became better at managing my energy. I wasn't always successful of course. I'd get excited on a good day and do too much which would send me back to bed. I'd have crashes (where energy bottoms out very badly) at unexpected times and for no apparent reason. But I persevered and kept my mind focused on the good in my life. I think one of the most beneficial things I did for myself was making myself have forced rest every day between 12 and 3 whether I felt I needed it or not. This helped my body to build up some reserves and my new respect for energy made me use these reserves wisely.

I've found a pretty good description of what I'm talking about at Spoon theory. Check out the link, it's a fantastic description to help you understand anyone dealing with a serious illness, not just chronic fatigue.

Fatigue is a significant barrier to well being and weight control. But through trial and error, perseverance and the passing of time I am starting to win the battle.

I'm sick but back

I'm curled up on the couch today under a gorgeous crochet blanket that my Grandmother made for me way back when I was small. It's my go to blanket when I'm feeling poorly and in need of a comforting snuggle. Here it is below. Isn't it lovely?
This same blanket gives children protection from things that go bump in the night, makes you better if you are sick, as well as pouring it's rainbow of colours inside them to help them have wonderful dreams. I make up stories about it's magical properties when faced with kids with belly aches, who are scared of the dark at my place (we have no street lighting so its DARK) etc. It's basically a cure all and works a treat.

I've been away from my blog for what seems like ages. Life just became unexpectedly busy and full and now as it has slowed down again I've come down all fluey. Phht. A few weeks ago we received a call during our evening meal asking whether we could provide emergency accommodation for a Danish exchange student who needed to leave her original host. As I've mentioned before we were to host another girl but that fell through. We said yes and it turned out to be the best thing ever. We got to spend 2 wonderful weeks with a fun, sweet, considerate, mature and intelligent young lady. I didn't expect to bond with her but we bonded very quickly and became quite close. It was so special and she was a remarkable young lady. So the past couple of weeks have been full of sight seeing, movie nights, shopping, more sight seeing, bush walking, scout camps and lots of fun and good times. I'm so pleased that we said yes. Scroll down to see a post about one of our outings.

I've also done something big and monumental but will save that big step forward for a post of it's own....

Hope you are all well and haven't forgotten me!

How to walk nearly 9k

Head to Australia Zoo for the day and you can certainly burn off some calories. We recently became a host family to a delightful young Danish exchange scout (not the one we were originally to have), and she and I headed off to the zoo for the day.

We patted kangaroos. There are two large enclosures for the kangaroos and you just wander through and take photos, pat, take more photos as the fancy takes you. The roos have private sections where they can go and have some time out away from we annoying humans but there are always plenty to see. You can buy bags of feed for them to snack on too. We ran into my sister, Mum, my 4 year old niece and 2 almost 3 year old nephews while we were here. One nephew when asked what he had seen at the zoo answered, "A plane". In his defence one had just flown over! Good to see the pony ride he'd just had made an impact! :)
We oggled echidnas hiding in logs. Love echidnas (Australia's version of a hedgehog, porcupine although I think ours is anatomically a bit weirder reproductive wise).
We snapped snoozing koalas. A couple had babies but I wasn't able to get you a good photo as the bubs were snuggled right in. The little one below is having a bit of a feast.

Australia Zoo (of Steve Irwin fame) is a brilliant day out and it's shown me that I can walk a damn long way while having fun. It's close by and I have an annual pass so might have to include it in my 'places to walk regularly'. Was I tired after my big day at the zoo? Oh yes indeed. I was stuffed actually but our host daughter had a blast and that is what was most important.

What I eat

I've put a lot of thought and invested many, many hours over the past 10 years into investigating the relationship between nutrition and health. The knowledge I have gained from this and my awareness of how my own body reacts to different foods has influenced my food choices and definitely impacts my menu planning. My diet now consists of foods that help to reduce inflammation; protect against cancer (or have been shown to actively fight cancer); don't trigger fatigue; and that make me feel good.

Fruit and Veg
I eat a wide variety of fresh fruits, vegetables and herbs. I try to include different variety throughout the day and within each meal. For example if I have strawberries or blueberries on my breakfast cereal, then I will choose a different type of fruit later in the day. Freshly made fruit salad is a great way to get a variety of nutrients and digestive enzymes in one hit. With veg I try to have some raw (salad) and some cooked each day. When I make a salad I focus on including lots of variety and lots of different colours, the more colour the better. I do the same with our veg and always include green. Eat lots of green. I tend to use lots of garlic and fresh ginger for their health benefits and the flavour that it gives food. I try to include other fresh herbs daily whether sprinkled through a salad or over roast veg, or even included in marinades, casseroles etc. I generally make plant based foods to be the main part of each meal. I usually buy seasonal produce and the best of what is available and affordable to me.

Protein

Most of our protein is eaten in the form of skinless chicken breasts. They are extremely versatile and they taste so different at each meal as I prepare them with different herbs, marinades and prepare them in so many different ways. All chicken that we eat is skinless unless I am roasting a whole chook. I buy free range, organic where possible. We also eat quite a bit of seafood that I also prepare in lots of different ways, using herbs, citrus, spices etc to create variety. Red meat is always lean and we eat it infrequently. We also eat vegetarian meals a few times per week where our protein comes from legumes, lentils. I make a mean dahl! Eggs are another fantastic source of protein and nutrients.

All foods are cooked in non-stick pans or in pans with a spray of extra-virgin olive oil.

Grains, Rice, Pasta
As with all of my other food choices I include a variety of these in our diet. Rice is nearly always a mix of brown and wild rice. If I use white rice it is always a low GI version. When I make risotto I use either arborio rice or substitute barley as a nutritional substitute. Pasta is either whole grain or gluten free (I am on a low gluten diet). We also eat quinoa, couscous....and I can't think what else. Rolled oats and steel cut oats. I LOVE oats and they are so good for you.

Dairy and alternatives
I react poorly if I eat too much dairy so I mix it up a bit using rice milk, soy and the like in baking and smoothies. I sometimes use cold green tea as a base for my smoothies too. I eat low fat dairy always and try to include 2 serves daily in the form of yoghurt, keffir (fermented milk), cheese or plain milk in my food intake.

Oils
I use small amounts of extra virgin olive oil, sometimes use coconut oil. I also get natural oils from eating avocado and nuts - once a gain a variety. I eat the nuts in their natural form, not salted.

Processed Foods
I really limit processed foods as I have reacted quite badly to certain additives at certain stages throughout my illness. I also find that I don't really need them as I use herbs, spices and variety to create flavour. It's tastier, healthier for you and significantly more affordable. I do have tinned tomatoes, legumes and fish. I also usually have a commercial indian marinade in the fridge - just been too lazy to make my own!

I NEVER eat artificial sweeteners. During my research, I read enough on them to freak me out and now consider them to be poison. I'd rather eat real sugar and simply have a smaller amount. I drink very little soft drink (perhaps 2 or 3 times per year and can only drink about a cup). It makes me tired and sore. I prefer to drink water, tea or coffee. If I want a change with my water, I add lemon or lime slices to it or even some herbs such as mint.

I also avoid high fructose corn syrup, trans fats and saturated fats.

Other than the above mentioned artificial sweeteners nothing is off limits. If I want a piece of chocolate or a packet of chips I will let myself -if it fits in with my points and if I really want it. I keep the portion small and indulge infrequently. I want to be able to eat well in the real world and not be a difficult guest or dinner companion. One meal won't kill me if it's not super healthy and I have the power to make the best choices available or even offer to bring a dish so that I have something that I know I can eat. I know for some people eating like this can derail them but for me fortunately I can just deal with it and move on. People tend to come here to eat anyway (they seem to think I'm a good cook:)), so I have pretty good control over social eating.

Hopefully this is of help to you and I haven't left too much out. Does it make sense? Do you need and example of my daily food intake or a copy of my weekly menu plan? Let me know what will be of benefit to you and I'll do my best to help. I think I still have my notes on the foods that are like hitmen for cancer or are considered to be superfoods, I can do a post on these too if you're interested.

Love to hear about how you all eat! Stay well and healthy.

Weigh in day

Hello ladies! Just a very quick post to give you a progress report. Today was weigh in day and I achieved a loss and a couple of milestones along with that. I achieved my 5kg loss (total) and reached my 5% (lost from starting weight). Woohoo!! My loss for the week was 0.9kg.

As I had lost 5kgs I thought I'd get the tape measure out again and see what a 5kg loss looks like.

Chest
Week 1 113.5cm
Current 104cm
Loss of 9.5cm

Waist
Week 1 101.5
Current 93
Loss of 8.5cm

Hips
Week 1 119cm
Current 109cm
Loss of 10cm

Total cm lost 28cm! That would probably be more if I did my legs and arms today too. That's almost a foot!!

Little happy dance.

Upcoming posts (that I may get out today). A little natter and chatter about "The Stress Eater Diet". Finally! A post on what foods I eat, my attitude towards food, how I try to make my decisions when making food choices. Oh, and a post on my weekly walk. Goodness, I'd better get typing...

Hope you are all well.

Reflections on how I got here

I've put a lot of thought into how I managed to gain 30 plus kilos. I thought about it while gaining. I thought about it while preparing myself to do something about it. I continue to think about it while putting things into action and finally losing. Fortunately all of this mental ruminating has brought me greater clarity and with greater clarity comes greater control. Contributing medical conditions and treatments aside I've come up with the following so far.

• Starting life with my husband saw my food habits change. We ate out more often, my portion sizes slowly increased (particularly if Jeff served). Foods that were seldom in my home as a single person suddenly became normal to have around as Jeff enjoyed them. I of course ate them because they were there - not lots but all of this added up. Not blaming my sweetie here, just observing!
  
• Stress - oh my, was I under a LOT of stress in the first years of our relationship - work and other life circumstances, not the relationship. Stress creates physical changes in the body, raising cortisol which creates cravings, stress eating and belly fat. Oh enter the belly fat. I'd always gained weight around my bum and boobs but suddenly I developed a belly.
  
• Around this time my mobility and ability to exercise was compromised by health issues. So, my food intake was going up and my movement was taking a monumental nosedive. I realise now that the fact that I had always been active and exercised controlled my weight. Yes, I generally ate well, but 'treats' and any transgressions weren't noticeable because I moved enough to make up for it. I also realise that I used my exercise to deal with stress in my life. Suddenly, I had lost the ability to move and my main avenue for dealing with stress, emotional upsets etc.
  
• As my health deteriorated and my fatigue grew I think that I started to eat for energy. My mind was in a fog and I remember waking from afternoon naps and eating before even fully awake. Didn't work. I was still tired and just got fatter. I was also nauseous most of the time and now remember that I used to buy boxes of Jatz biscuits or Salada and I'd nibble on them to ease my tummy. I'm sure that all of this added up too.
• As my health deteriorated so did some of my food choices. Because I was not well enough to spend 5 minutes making my usual salad for lunch, I'd have a peanut butter or vegemite sandwich. I ate like this with greater frequency and my sick body needed nutrients desperately. Maximum nutrition was essential and I didn't have the energy to deal with it all the time. Bread also made me tired which made things worse.
• Since joining Weight Watchers I realised that the oil based supplements I was taking added up to a quarter of my daily points intake. How CRAZY is that! Needless to say I've made some changes there.
  
• The "Latte Effect". Living with fatigue and burnt out adrenal glands, and a coffee loving husband what did I do.....increased my coffee intake. All my coffee is milk based so that upped my daily intake of calories too. I've made changes there too (it's been easy, I'm not addicted and have had no headaches etc as a result).

All of these little behaviours that can quite insidiously enter your life and combine with health issues to create such a huge change to your weight, your health and wellbeing. Because the majority of my food choices were good - fruits, vegetables, salads and balanced meals - I found it bemusing that I was putting on so much weight and struggling so hard with it. I think I kept looking at the fact that I didn't binge or eat large amounts of junk. Portion size changes, extra treats, less activity slip under the radar and have a big impact. I've had to learn new ways of dealing with stress and emotions that didn't rely on me getting out and going for a walk. Thank goodness I was already committed to journaling, where would I have been without that?

Do you know what has contributed to your weight gain or are you as lost as I was? Have you found that understanding gives you greater control? What do you struggle with?

I've nearly finished reading "The Stress Eater Diet" (I confess to getting sidetracked by...many other books) and will endeavour to get the review out to you over the weekend. Sorry for those who've been waiting.

Today was weigh in day. I'm down another kilo which is a total loss of 4.1 and a current weight of 86.1. Only 500grams to go and I reach my 5% goal so if all goes well I should achieve that next week. Woohoo!

Hope all is well in your world everyone. You ladies out there in Blogland are a constant source of inspiration. Thank you.

Big Day Out. Part 2.

A few hours after returning home from our Big Day Out Part 1, Jeff decided that he was going to take the dogs up to the dam for some exercise. I was still feeling good (no fatigue, yippee!), after our morning walk in the rainforest and started to consider going along for a second outing. We were both concerned about it being too much, on top of my previous walk, but in the end I decided to give my body the extra push and go. We figured if I crashed I could sit and wait for Jeff and the girls to come back.
Here the girls are on the causeway, reading all the interesting news that has been left for them to sniff up. Sophie is at left, Jess is at right with the blue collar.
We found this spot halfway through our walk and it reminded us of images we've seen of the Florida Everglades. We hope they are safe from that horrible oil spill. No chance of an oil spill here.
Here are my girls running to me. So cute. There's nothing like the total love and devotion of a dog.

We walked for about an hour in a very leisurely fashion. By the end I could feel my body becoming tight and uncomfortable, and my knees were beginning to protest. I felt good though, no fatigue whatsoever. It is now Monday morning and I still feel good. I could weep with relief! This is the longest remission I've had from fatigue in probably 9 years. I've also had the best quality energy this time around and this has enabled me to start this new part of my journey to wholeness and health. I'm hoping chronic fatigue syndrome is OVER, not just in hibernation.

I shall try not to become overconfident and do too much (as I'm known to do). Yes, I know who's reading this and what you are thinking! :) It's nice to feel a bit excited and sassy about it all though! Hopefully I walked a bit of size off my backside while I was at it.

Wishing Lynn over at Lynn's Weigh a love filled, successful recovery from surgery. We are all thinking of you and wishing you well!

Big Day Out Part 1

We were having a slow start this morning so decided to head up the range for brunch and a walk at one of our favourite spots, Mary Cairncross Park. Almost nine years ago Jeff and I were married here in an outdoor ceremony (obviously!).
This is the view down towards our home in the mountains. Aren't they lovely? I always so LOVE to have my first peep of the mountains upon my return from any long trip away. This was the backdrop for our wedding ceremony. Not bad eh?
Here is my sweetie reading the paper and waiting for our order to arrive. We were married right there almost at the end of the table - which obviously wasn't there for the ceremony! :) Even the wildlife attended with a scrub (brush) turkey doing a streak through, jumping on a table and knocking some glasses down. A flustered looking park worker scurried through after him. We just stopped the proceedings and got on with it again when all had settled down. Interestingly, one of our gifts was a piece of original Aboriginal art done by an artist I know, the topic of which was the scrub turkey.
After a delicious and slightly indulgent breakfast, a second coffee and much pouring over maps of the Pacific Northwest in preparation for our trip, we headed into the rainforest for an amble. It was pleasantly cool, not too busy and we got to see and hear some wildlife. The cat birds were very vocal although we didn't spot a one. They make a sound sort of like a baby crying. Tried to get a photo of a paddymelon for you but wasn't successful sorry. We did the full walk which I've not been able to do for at least 10 years. It took about 45 minutes I suppose. GO ME!!

A brilliantly chaotic strangler fig. These trees absolutely rock.

An eerie valley of palms.

Progress Report

Yesterday was weigh in day, and I'm pleased to report that I'm down 1kg this week after less than impressive results over the past fortnight. That's my biggest loss since week1. There were quite a few big losses at weigh in this week with about 6 of us losing 1kg or more. I felt thinner but was surprised to discover that I'd had such a good loss.

For those of you who LOVE numbers....

Starting weight: 90.2kg
Current weight: 87.1kg
Total loss: 3.1kg
Time taken: 6 weeks

Measurements.

Chest.
Week 1. 113.5cm
Currently 107cm
Loss of 6.5cm

Waist
Week 1. 101.5 cm
Currently 96.0cm
Loss of 5.5cm

Hips
Week 1 119cm
Currently 114cm
Loss of 5cm

R/L Upper Arm
Week 1 36.5/34.5 cm
Currently 33/32cm
Loss of 3.5/2.5cm

R/L Thigh
Week 1 63.5/63.5cm
Currently 57/59cm
Loss of 6.5/4.5

I think the tape measure is my new friend! Far more impressive than what the scale is telling me. Also explains the Simon and Garfunkel undies (Slip slidin' away).

'Snacks' was the topic for discussion this week at WW and we compiled lists of favourite snack foods then arranged them into three categories. It was very interesting to see how many things like biscuits, lollies, chocolate, chips and other such foods made their way onto the lists. This led to a quick look at how the advertising and marketing industries skilfully convince consumers that these items (and many others) are snack foods. Just head down to the 'snack foods' isle in your supermarket and see what they think a snack is. I bet next to none of it will fill you up, give you slow release energy and stabilise your blood sugar! There is no nutritional value in any of it.

These are the things I snack on...

• fruit
• nuts (limit of about 8 per day)
• low fat yoghurt
• cheese stick (not an everyday snack, but ok for a couple of times per week)
• ricotta with blueberries and cinnamon
• smoothie of berries, perhaps some other fruit, spinach (I kid you not, you can't taste it), flaxseeds, and in a base of either water, keffir or some kind of milk - cows, rice, soy.
• ryvita or with tomato or cucumber and a protein e.g. philliadelphia cheese, slice of smoked salmon or ham/chicken
• vegetable sticks and hummus

Once a week or so snacks

• home baking (I have some lower fat recipes, like baking and at least know what's in the food if I make it)
• scone with a cuppa out at the shops.
• hmmmm, can't think of anything else

Treats that aren't really snacks at all

• the occasional mini chocolate (usually with PMS). Luckily I'm not a big chocolate fan. I know, there is something seriously wrong with me!
• potato chips

I used to crave potato chips with something close to a manic intensity a few times per month. I would scoff them (with the manners of my dogs) and once I'd finished the packet I'd not need or think of them until the next craving. Interestingly some blood work found that I was iodine and sodium deficient and my GP prescribed iodised table salt. I now use that on my meals and have not had one craving or one chip since. About 12 weeks and counting now. Just not interested. Obviously my body needed something.....the salt!

What do you snack on? I'd love to hear some healthy ideas.

Michelle and Julie

Hello ladies. Have tried to connect to your blogs via your comments but haven't been able to access them. Would love to pop in and say hi to you and see what's going on in your worlds. If you are happy for me to have a peep, let me know your details. You could put it in the comments with a 'please delete after reading' if that's how you'd like to contact, (very Maxwell Smart, although in that case my computer would probably blow up rather than simply delete!). If you have a more sensible alternative to passing on your details I'm open to it! Thanks.

Hope everyone out there is living healthily!

Bushwalking

On Monday we set off on a bush walk in our local area. It was so lovely to be out in the bush surrounded by wild orchids, grass trees (front right of above photo), and the unique sound and smell of the Aussie bush. The grass trees reminded me of my childhood on the farm where we used these to make spears and bows and arrows from them. Much fun was had and I'm pleased to say that no injuries occurred either! They are protected now so photos will have to do.
Looking back down the track to see Mt Tibrogargan peeking back at me through the trees.

I MADE IT to the top! Woohoo. As my niece Miss 4 told her mother on the phone, 'Aunty Sandy was very slow.' Gotta love kids! The last bit was quite steep and I was shattered for a little while - so shattered that it took me awhile to be excited about my accomplishment. I remember when I couldn't climb stairs and when I struggled to get myself off and on the toilet, so climbing a lookout is HUGE. Shocker photo if I say so myself. :)
View from the top. Mt Beerwah in the back at left. To the right is Mt Tibberoowuccum. These mountains form part of the Glass House Mountains. I grew up here on a farm and then in town (small), moved away for work and am now living back here, happily snuggled at the base of one of the mountains.

Here I am on the way back down. Shocker photo again but it made me realise that I can see a change in my body shape after only 2kg lost. I barely recognise myself in these photos. In recent years I've become invisible and not had many photos taken of me. Not on purpose really, just when there are kids around you tend to point the camera at the little people. I'm also sure that I haven't rushed to get into any photos too feeling as bloated and gross as I have. Here's to being visible again.

Sleeping with Mr Darcy

After a long and busy week I was feeling particularly weary this afternoon. I decided to plonk myself down on the couch and have a rest while watching Pride and Prejudice. I saw the scrummy Mr Darcy make his first appearance on screen and woke to the end credits. That's the third afternoon sleep I've had this week. Can't stay awake, dead-to-the-world type sleeps. I have been busier and more active than I've been for years so I won't panic yet about falling back into fatigue. Perhaps I've just overdone it.

We had a public holiday on Monday so I had to find an alternative Weight Watchers meeting to weigh in at. I've decided to attend this alternative meeting from now on as the leader was amazing, so well informed about nutrition and very entertaining and approachable. The meeting was very interactive too, we broke into groups and read nutritional panels then discussed them. Everyone was very friendly and chatty and the meeting was heaps of fun as well as informative. Ok, details for the week....I lost nothing. Not a gram. I've been a lot more active this week and have increased my cardio as well as continuing to count points. I did go over one day when we had unplanned take-away due to a blackout but I thought my extra activity would take care of it. Oh, well.

My current cardio involves me walking out the door and walking, not particularly fast for 20 to 30 minutes. I've pushed out to 30 minutes about 3 days in the past week. I also included a 45 minute bushwalk which included a small hill and I hope to do this each week. I'll keep an eye on my fatigue levels as I am hoping to push out all of my walks to 30 minutes. If I'm tired, I'll either drop the time back some days or include a second rest day. Not bad, I've gone from 10 minute walks to coping with 30 minute walks in about 5 weeks. Happy, happy, joy, joy, to be out and about being active!!

Any suggestions as to how to reboot my weight loss would be appreciated. I'd like to lose at least something next week. :) I was thinking perhaps increasing the weights I lift during resistance training to try and build some more muscle. Might help.

I'll post photos of my bushwalk when I can work out how to use my new camera and it's quirks. Hope all is going well for you all and you are staying happy and healthy.

Weekly Walk

I'm going to try and do a weekly walk somewhere different each week to get me out and about, to show you what it is like where I live, and to increase my fitness for our trip. I'm keeping my walks to around 30minutes until I'm permitted medically to increase the intensity and length.
This weeks walk was a pleasant meander along next to the waters of Pumicestone Passage which separates the mainland from the top end of Bribie Island. This area is about a 30 minute drive from home so it's nice and convenient. We've brought our bikes down here to cycle too and it's so much fun.
The weather is glorious at present. Low 20's (celcius) during the day and mid teens to 10 or below on a cold night. LOVE winter.
There are many picnic areas along this particular stretch, with plenty of room to set up your own if you so desire also. There are barbeques, shelters and a few kiddies playgrounds. Even when it's busy it seems quite relaxed and quiet.

I'm having fun thinking of all the different places that I'd love to walk for a change of scenery and to share with you. Where do you exercise? Do any of you change things up with a things like a weekly walk to make things interesting? After being stuck at home for so long it's indescribably, heart happily wonderful to be able to go and enjoy somewhere new and beautiful.

Stay well and happy ladies.

Life Happens

Today is a glorious Sunday here. Being in the sub-tropics, our winters are mild and tend to be dry and clear. I'm spending the morning getting organised for the week by making a couple of salad bases, a pot of vegetable soup and spending some time doing up a menu plan for the week. I felt a bit lost for options last week as I've been sticking to meals that I know the points values of. That means we've been recycling the same meals for a few weeks now and need a change. I think being organised is going to be essential for losing and maintaining weight. For me, being organised means having good, fresh and healthy food options available; having a menu plan to work from; having prepared or semi-prepared meals available for those rushed or can't be bothered times; and minimising the effect of getting caught out by always having my water bottle and a piece of fruit with me when I go out. My organisation also includes my schedule where I plan the time to do the menu, shopping, exercise etc.

I've scheduled in time next weekend to make up a heap of freezer meals as per the ones found at Saving Dinner. Essentially, you spend about 2 hours preparing meals to the cooking stage and then freezing them. In that time you make between 20 and 30 meals depending on how quick you are and how many people you are feeding. I started doing this on my better days when I was really ill and it was a Godsend. I used the food processor to speed up things like the dicing of onions. I found the concept of freezer meals saved me time in so many ways. Each night I'd look at the list of meals that I'd placed on the fridge and select a meal for the following evening. It would defrost in the fridge and the next night I'd simply have to cook it and throw together a side dish such as steamed veggies or salad. I found that I had very little washing up to do as all the cutting boards, knives and the like had been used and washed on the initial preparation day. Easy peasy. Initially I used the freezer menus from Saving Dinner but now I use a combination of our favourites from there plus recipes from other sources. If I was really clever and so inclined I could simply make up meals with all the same points values so I always know how many to set aside for dinner. Don't think I'll go there though!

This has been an odd week for me weight wise. I've spent most of it feeling full, bloated and just off. At first I tried to eat my points values for the day but then decided I wasn't doing myself any favours as I just felt gross. So I focussed on eating good healthy foods and increased my intake of probiotics both from food and in supplement form. I still kept an eye on my points but have only reached my points one day this week, some days I've had to struggle to eat half of them. I feel like I've gained weight but if that is the case I'm not worried as I know I've had something weird going on with my body. I've eaten good foods and balanced out the foods that I had. Life happens and I'm sure it won't be the last time that it puts a bump in my journey to health and weight loss. I feel quite chuffed with myself for having this attitude. In the past I always felt rushed to get from a to b. To achieve goals NOW, if not yesterday. Putting unnecessary pressure on myself and no doubt piling up the negative self talk as I didn't achieve as quickly as I falsely expected. Crazy. Here I find myself this week, quite relaxed, listening to my body and knowing that if I don't lose this week it's ok as I've still been moving in the right direction with my habits and thinking.

How are you all going? All well and good I hope. I'll pop out later today and get some photos for you to pretty up my blog.

Kindness

I'd like to start today's post by extending a big "Thank you!", to Lynn from Lynn's Weigh and her very kind readers for all the advice and reassurance they have given me regarding my trip to the States. I'm not sure why I got myself so stressed about the whole thing. Ladies, your kindness has helped me take a breath, calm down :), and relax about my trip. That's how it should be really. Your descriptions of roadside food stalls, farmers markets and the like have made me quite excited. It sounds rather lovely. I grew up in and live in a farming community and love the stalls that nestle by our roadsides. After briefly looking at hiring a camper, we are mostly decided on just hiring a car and heading off to the store for a cooler. Your suggestions for eating out were valuable as well. We don't eat out often and I'd not thought about asking for changes to what the menu offers. I shall try that.

At weigh in this week I had a loss of 0.7kgs which I'm happy with. That's a total loss of 1.9kgs over two weeks. That's about 4 pounds for those of you who prefer pounds. After a tired beginning of the week my activity levels were down and I had a special dinner with a friend on Saturday which got my points up a bit. We had roast chicken and veg and Donna supplied little chocolate mousse muffins. It was just lovely. I did 2, 20 minute walks on Saturday to at least earn some of the meal and then made sure I ate lightly and upped my exercise again on Sunday. I can't tell you how good it feels to have been able to do something as normal as a longer walk and to not crash in a screaming heap for days or weeks afterwards. Woohoo! It is also very empowering to enjoy a treat, good company and still lose.

In my efforts to heal on all levels, I have just started to read the 'Stress Eater Diet'. I have experienced a number of quite stressful circumstances in the time that I've gained weight. Let's be realistic, chronic health issues are stressful too, so I need to look at how that muddle has all helped lead me to this point. My goal is to develop a greater understanding of how my body and mind respond to stress and to develop good strategies to help me out in future. Hopefully along the way I'll discover that I'm already doing some things 'right'. It has been my habit to take action rather late in the game when I find myself stressed. I tell myself I can put up with it, or I don't want to upset anyone so I bite my tongue, or I procrastinate and do nothing because I can't think of the 'best' way to deal with something. Crappy, inhibiting perfectionism. I need to develop the awareness and skills to take action early on to minimise the effects of stress on me and to address or resolve the situation earlier rather than later (if possible). Will review the book for you when I've finished. I think Lynn may have one on her blog if you are interested.

How do you deal with stress? Do you let it build up by dealing with it too late as I do? Who has problems saying 'no'? Nobody! I don't believe you. :) Let me know, I'd love to hear how you cope.

Until next time, take care everyone and thank you for your kindness.

Where my head's at

This week has been a busy week for both my head and my emotions. Monday's weigh in sent me into a negative spiral after I weighed in after 2 ladies who had both lost 2kg and I lost less. Crazy as my goal is to lose 500grams to 1kg weekly and I exceeded that. Anyway, I managed to journal that particular monkey off my back. We also had news that our exchange student from Denmark had been pulled out of the programme because her parents won't let her stay with us. Why? Because we have no children. That's been a bit of a blow as it's not by choice that we are childless. It's brought up all the crappy feelings of loss, rejection and failure that we have felt through infertility, being unable to adopt because of health issues, and now being rejected again. It has definitely brought some difficult emotions to the surface, springing them on me at unexpected moments throughout the week. Jeff, however is severely gutted and I think perhaps it's making him feel things he has managed to dodge so far on this awkward and often unpleasant journey. I understand her families decision but can't help but think I could do without the emotional fallout at this time.

I've also been a bit tired this week. Shades of the not-so-long-ago days of fatigue. While not full blown fatigue, it's been different to normal tired and has ramped up my anxiety metre. I listened to my body and rested immediately, adjusted my plans and I think it has worked. I'm not so tired today and was even able to have a pretty full on day yesterday. I wonder how long it will take me to get over being afraid of falling back into that insidious, debilitating fatigue that I've lived with for years. I don't trust that it's gone. I don't trust my body not to fall back into this state again, after all it's not been 2 months since I started to climb out of it. All I can do is care for myself as best I can, listen to my body and care for it accordingly and trust that one day I will be well again.

Although I've been anxious and emotional this week, I've stayed within my points allowance and made my selections from the usual healthy foods I eat. Exercise has been inconsistent due to fatigue and just loss of focus. Planning of my meals has been non-existent too and this had added to my stress. I don't feel confident enough with the point system as yet to wing-it. So I need to get back into planning my meals, planning my exercise and then putting these plans into action.

In the spirit of Self-care week, I reached out for help in an area that I'm having trouble with. We are heading off to the States in a few months time, the land of excess and ginormous portion sizes. I've been becoming increasingly anxious about how I'm going to maintain my healthy lifestyle while on a 3 1/2 week driving holiday where we'll be mostly reliant on eating out in some form or another. I'll buy fruit, nuts, carrots and water for the car but don't know whether to buy an esky so that I can carry salad ingredients, yoghurt etc. Still to decide whether to take my collapsible tupperware bowl or go for the convenience of paper plates and cutlery for the duration. Babble, babble, babble. Anyway, I reached out for help with this dilemma by emailing a lady whose weight loss and maintenance blog I read. She's based in the States so may have some ideas. I think it gives you a good picture of my where my head's at that I am worried about this now. By the time we go I'll have 12 weeks or so of counting points, making changes and losing weight under my belt. I expect I'll be more confident about my ability to lose weight, make good choices and better able to trust my body.

Time to get out of my head. Off to notch up some steps on the treadmill then I'm going to treat myself to a long hot soak in the bath on this cool and rainy afternoon.

Learning to care for myself.

My first week of this next stage of my journey to health is drawing to a close and I feel as though I managed to fit a lot in. I had an hour long consultation with a new endocrinologist and I'm really happy with how it went. He was knowledgeable, listened and took the time to answer my questions. My latest blood tests were sent to his office and they confirmed that in the past 5 weeks I've had an overactive thryoid, been euthyroid and am now underactive again. Gotta love the roller coaster - not. I'm off all medication for the next 12 weeks to see where my thyroid naturally settles so it will be interesting to see where my body will end up this time.

Today was weigh in day at Weight Watchers and I lost 1.2kgs. Was I happy? No, I must confess that I was a little disappointed. Does this makes sense? No of course not, it's just my mind and my false expectations for myself playing with me. I am a master of flaying myself and holding myself up to standards and expectations I'd never dream of holding other people up to. Why is that? Do you do the same? Intellectually I know I've done well to lose that amount and to do it with a bungying thyroid and while still healing is great. Reflecting now, it was only 6 weeks ago that I was still experiencing debilitating exhaustion and sleeping for 12 plus hours per day (in sessions, not all at once) and physically unable to cope with much at all. It is only just over 12 weeks since I was on 5 weeks of bed rest. Perhaps all these years of illness and now my weight loss journey have occurred to teach me how to treat myself more kindly. To nurture and care for myself as I would others.

So with this in mind I declare this "Be kind to yourself week". I will work on treating myself with the same compassion and loving kindness I would show towards others. I will stomp on that mean, nasty voice in my head that tells me I'm a failure or not good enough and will replace it with healthier thoughts that are based in reality. I will perform one act of self care for myself everyday. How do you care for yourself? Take some time to notice your thoughts as well. Do you treat yourself as well as you do others? Be kind to yourself this week.

Edited to add.....I realise now that my scales weigh 1kg lighter than the weight watchers one causing me to think I'd lost more than I had and prompting the above mentioned disappointment and self-chastisement. Will remember that discrepancy in future.

A new beginning

For many years now I've been living with and juggling some serious health issues. They range from autoimmune disease to cancer and have not only had a huge physical effect on my life, they've impacted my spirit in a big way too. I've had lots of beginnings in the past 12 years or so. Being able to climb stairs again. Getting enough strength back in my hands to be able to open a milk bottle on my own. Being diagnosed with another 'something new' and beginning the path to either healing or learning how to live with yet another condition. In the process relationships have faltered and failed, some quite painfully. Others have grown and adjusted, becoming richer. New, wonderful friends have entered my life too and for this I am truly grateful.

I've stacked on the weight as a combined result of health issues, treatments, inability to exercise for long periods, changed eating habits and I suppose feeding my flayed emotions. Recently, I was once again diagnosed with another 'something new' and while feeling raw and emotional I said, "Enough!". I may not be able to control the fact that I have disease x or y; I have no control over the poor behaviour or choices of others, but I can control my weight. It may not be easy but I need to be in control of something in my life other than my attitude!

I have decided to follow a number of paths to lose weight and gain back the best health available to me. I've joined Weight Watchers with a friend and have been on the programme for 4 days now. I have decided to really deal with the emotional baggage of the past decade with lots of journal writing. Journal writing has been my companion for 20 years or more now and it is the most extraordinary gift to give oneself. Now it's time to write deeper and I've hunted down some resources to guide me in this. I'll discuss these in future posts. A BIG, HUGE thing I also need to do is to declutter my life. I've held onto everything from my teaching career, a career I'll not be going back to. I think I'm done grieving it's loss so it's time to empty my physical environment of constant reminders of a part of my life that no longer serves me. I'll keep a small number of special things and items I can use with the little people in my life, the rest can go. Hopefully shedding weight and physical clutter will create some extra room for healing to flow into my life.

So,here I am in Belladonna's garden where the dark and light of life live in perfect balance to make something beautiful. A place where it is possible to weed out the things that no longer serve you or create new and wonderful things for yourself out of your growth, heart's wishes and the toil of your own two hands. I plan to create something wonderful and worthy of my heart.