Perception is a funny thing.

Thanks for checking up on me while I've been missing in action. Very sweet of you and perks me up immensely. I've been struggling a bit since my return from holiday. My weight was down when we got home then has gone up, down and all over the place (in only very small amounts) over the past 5 weeks. My attitude has been the main problem along with a few hormonal spanners thrown in the works. I've really been struggling to follow the Weight Watchers Point System. I've felt really rebellious, burnt out and fed up with the whole thing. So....I've spent the past couple of weeks mulling this over in my personal journal, while taking walks through the trees, while digging in the garden or washing my hair. You know how it is.

I realised that I am a bit burnt out. When I first fell ill in 2000 I started educating myself about nutrition as medicine. First for general health and enhancing immune function and then after I developed cancer I focussed on foods that help with this disease. I made big changes and little changes, tried this and that but was always thinking about food and nutrition and all the while during this time my weight was going up. So I joined Weight Watchers and started learning again, having to change things again and I think I was just over it. I've been sick and tired of having to think about what I eat. I also had a bit of an attitude problem with Weight Watchers focus predominantly on points rather than the nutritional value of food. I think the points should be weighted in a way that encourages people to eat for nutrition first and all of the highly processed, sugary bars and the like should have higher points. They might be really seen as treats then as opposed to a viable daily food option. Off high horse now.

So what have I done about it? Interestingly, just realising why I was struggling took the pressure off and refocussed me. I just needed to suck it up and do what needs doing in this next stage of getting healthy. I dug out some information on the old core plan (which is closer to my natural way of eating) and have monitored my eating by eating to my appetite, eating mindfully and eating good, unprocessed nutritious foods. As a result I feel better, eating feels less of a chore and more natural and I've lost weight consistently. I'm also back on my supplements (which I went off as they made up 1/4 of my daily points allowance) and feel better for it. Since I'm still losing weight I'll continue to take them. Even though I've struggled mentally, I kept going to meetings and weighing in. I quite like it actually. Meetings are a little outing for me during the week and the group is really great. Combine that with a lovely leader and things are still good on that front.

Another thing I've noticed during this time away, is how our perception of our bodies changes. As I went up the scale 84kgs was huge and I felt dreadfully bloated and uncomfortable. Coming back down the scale 84kgs feels light, movement feels easier and I feel 'slim' at times. I'm sure that I look different to myself as well. On the way up the scale I would have been noticing where fat had suddenly appeared, where I looked puffier and more pudgy. Now I notice how slim I look just above my waist and how I can see more of my collar bones. Perception is a funny thing.

How do you see yourself? Does it change in unexpected ways?

Home

We are home safely from the States and Canada and I must say that we rather enjoyed ourselves and didn't fall prey to large wildlife! :) I'll post the holiday report and pictures over at Heart's Landscapes and try to keep this blog related to health and weight loss. After all of my stressing about managing my weight while on holiday I managed to lose 0.2kg (massive amount that it is!). By my following week I'd managed to gain 0.6kgs thanks mostly I think to a particularly ghastly couple of weeks in the Red Tent. That's 'that time of the month' for those who aren't in the know.

So how did I manage to lose weight while on holiday? Basically I chose the best foods that were available to me whenever we ate. Most of the time anyway. I did have to have a couple of 'local meals' as you do when you travel. So I had a burger, fries and coke (yes people I. drank. coke.). I also indulged in this.........
Well, about a 1/4 of this. Too huge to eat but surprisingly tasty. We don't eat a lot of turkey here in Australia and I've never had it smoked on a barbie before. This photo was taken at the Evergreen State Fair near Seattle and for me it was all part of the experience.

Mostly I ordered meals with salads or vegetables and ate those first before the protein. We had fruit and almonds on hand in the car and drank heaps of water. We bought large bottles at the supermarket and topped up our smaller bottles from these. I also confess to drinking a disgusting amount of Starbucks coffee as we found tea very hard to come by. Starbucks has espresso coffee (like we have here), the main other option is that ghastly percolated stuff which the Americans seem to drink by the gallon.

I also wore my pedometer and tried to keep my steps up by taking the long way to a destination, choosing the stairs over the lift etc. I don't remember doing any exercise purely for the sake of exercise, I included it in my day as incidental movement. In Canada my daily steps were at least double what I would normally do here (up to 16000 some days). In the States, they dropped to 4000-6000 most days which is less than my usual 8000. So I must have made good food choices and had a bit of a handle on portion size.

I am still struggling with motivation and focus so am setting aside some time today to journal, go over my Weight Watchers bits and pieces and read some more of "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. Must say ladies it is a BRILLIANT book. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. I'm reading it slowly because it's sending me off onto great journal writing and reflective tangents. If you can get hold of a copy I highly recommend it - well the bit I've read anyway.

What do you do when you lose focus and motivation? I know that I have to and importantly I know that I want to, so why am I dragging the chain and resisting really doing something about it? Life would be so easy if our heads stopped getting in the way. Back to the journal.

Hope you are all well and happy.

Slipping and sliding

I feel like I'm off track at present. I stopped tracking about 5 weeks ago when my WW journal ran out and they had no replacements. Life got busy and I let it slide and although I've still lost around a kilo in that time I'm really not paying attention to what I'm doing. Struggled today. Had a visit to the endocrinologist today (thyroid inflamed and underactive but still not being medicated - reviewing this in December). I arrived home tired and instead of having a rest, I ate 3 choc chip biscuits THAT I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE. Note to self.....eating doesn't lift your energy when what you really need is REST. I feel like a hamster on a wheel learning that lesson. Also, why eat crap I don't even like? Why? Why? WHY? Three biscuits isn't a huge blow out but it was a bad choice and I ate for the wrong reasons. Ate more biscuits yesterday at my sisters. Paid no attention really to what I was doing which is the problem.

Only 5 more sleeps until we head out to the States and Vancouver. Need to make a commitment to getting back into tracking and maintaining my tracking while on holiday. Want to minimise 'food amnesia'. My goal is to maintain my present weight while travelling. I'm not sure if I'll get to post while on the road so if you don't hear from me for 4 weeks or so I'm just out enjoying myself or being eaten/chased/played with by a bear in the backwoods of America somewhere.

Stay well everyone and I hope you are a bit more focussed than I am at present.

Shedding

In the begining, I wrote about my need to clear the clutter of my past life as part of my healing process. I've recovered from the flu and have spent the last couple of day with a maniacal glint in my eye as I've decluttered cupboards, outdoor areas and basically anything that caught my eye. I have been ruthless and have found an odd sense of joy and even relief in the process. It's almost as though I can't stand to have it in my living environment anymore and I need to get it out NOW.

This all began about 4 weeks ago when I finally bit the bullet and went through my school shelves. These shelves contained all of my planning, teacher resources etc. The first day was really an emotional slog. A mixed bag of happy and sad memories, anger at the waste, fear about what I would do now that I'd let this career go and embarrassment that I'd held onto it for so long that my resources were out of date and could no longer help anyone. I ended up knocking off early and going for a walk at the dam with dogs and my mother in tow. I needed soothing and the bush and water always do this for me. Whatever pain and emotional discomfort I was still feeling I shed into my journal that night. As a result, the second day was much easier.

Now my attention is focussed on the clutter in my cupboards, in my yard and the Everest of clutter - the shed. The shed contains the rest of my past. Boxes we've not unpacked since we moved here 9 years ago! The trappings of a life I no longer have or even want. I know there is a relationship between shedding my body clutter and cleaning out my environment. I'm unable at present to really articulate this, my mind feels full and cluttered itself as I deal with all of this letting go. So for now I'll concentrate on feeling what I'm feeling, continue telling myself that it's safe to do so and I'll keep decluttering. I've been surprised by the amount of fear and anxiety I have had surface as I wonder 'what will fill the space'? Not the physical space, the energetic space. I feel like I'm making an energy vacuum in my life and really don't know what is going to come in. I just have to trust something good will come.

Do you have anything you need to let go of?

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

In my first post I mentioned that I had been dealing with a number of health issues for the past....ooh 10 years I suppose. While some of the conditions I've been dealing with have been life threatening, it's Chronic Fatigue Syndrome that has had the biggest impact on my life. As my health has continued to improve these past 3 months or so, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to remember just what it was like to live with fatigue. Having the flu has triggered my memory and I thought I'd get it down before I start to forget again.

I was diagnosed with CFS in 2001 after a long time of struggling with fatigue, brain fog, and a host of other transient and seemingly unrelated symptoms. Before my diagnosis I'd heard very little about CFS and was not sure if it was really even real. It took quite awhile to be diagnosed as I was already dealing with the physical effects of a mosquito borne disease and a pair of auto-immune diseases. Both of these can also create the symptoms that I was experiencing. When I talk about fatigue I don't mean really, really tired due to being overly busy or from having performed some marvelous feat of physical endurance. I mean fatigue, debilitating fatigue that doesn't go away no matter how much you rest or how little you do. I'd go for months and not be able to stand up in the shower because it took too much out of me. I would shake, get heart palpitations and sleep like the dead for 3-4 hours after bathing because it took so much out of me. Sometimes I couldn't get myself off the toilet I was so tired and weak (thankfully I always got there in the first place!). The worst was when I couldn't unscrew the lid on the milk bottle. I'd have to wait for my neighbour to come down to check his mail so he could open it or even worse, I'd have to wait until Jeff came home from work. Imagine not even being able to make a cup of tea for yourself (I obviously have milk in my tea :)).

The level of fatigue that I am talking about impacts every little aspect of your life. Holding a conversation with someone is exhausting and can leave you 'bottomed out' for days on end. Doing the housework, driving the car, doing the grocery shopping, preparing meals, having a life all become a HUGE struggle. Some days I would be so tired that I wouldn't even bathe because all that is involved took energy that I simply did not have. When you are healthy you don't think about the energy involved in simple acts like bathing. You need to go to the bedroom and get fresh clothes then head to the bathroom. Then you need to take your current clothing off - this requires lifting your arms above your head and bending down - these require more energy. Then you need to get in the shower and do more of the arms up, arms down business = more energy. My God, then you have to get out and use a towel which by this time feels as heavy as lead to your fatigued muscles. Finally you need to get dressed which requires bending up and down, lifting legs, fastening zips, buttons etc. Let me tell you on some days it is just impossible to do.

Being so exhausted and having such little things total you effects you in a number of ways. I found I lost all spontaneity. Being spontaneous requires energy and that was something I obviously didn't have. I found that I had to plan everything and to micromanage my life in order to get the most out of what energy I had. Life becomes an endless stream of compromises e.g. cook a healthy dinner or be able to take a shower; talk to a friend on the phone or pay the bills that are waiting. You rarely have energy to do both. Something as normal and as simple as going for coffee with girlfriends becomes overwhelmingly impossible on some days and always resulted in days of being totally wiped out and unable to do anything but sleep. As a result you become socially isolated and disconnected from the things that you once enjoyed doing. I love to paint, draw, sew and do a variety of crafts but I was able to do very little and had to learn to do things in 5 minutes sessions, sometimes less.

All of this sleeping and lying around on the couch watching DVD's of course contributed to my weight gain. How do you exercise when you can't even bathe? Having come from an active background I knew how important exercise is to maintaining health and as part of the recovery process. No matter how tired I was I tried to do something every day - this needed a huge adjustment in thinking and I needed to redefine my idea of what exercise was. Previously I'd walk for an hour or swim or cycle. Now a walk consisted of trying to get out to the mailbox and back or to make it to my back fence. Weight lifting turned into doing 1 or 2 moves but minus the weights - just taking my muscles through the range of motion. Stretches were given to me by the physio and were done in bed. Exercise was only done on 'good days' and I needed to learn to see any movement and any ability to string together consecutive days of movement as a huge success.

As I learned to manage my life and home more effectively (thank you Flylady) I became better at managing my energy. I wasn't always successful of course. I'd get excited on a good day and do too much which would send me back to bed. I'd have crashes (where energy bottoms out very badly) at unexpected times and for no apparent reason. But I persevered and kept my mind focused on the good in my life. I think one of the most beneficial things I did for myself was making myself have forced rest every day between 12 and 3 whether I felt I needed it or not. This helped my body to build up some reserves and my new respect for energy made me use these reserves wisely.

I've found a pretty good description of what I'm talking about at Spoon theory. Check out the link, it's a fantastic description to help you understand anyone dealing with a serious illness, not just chronic fatigue.

Fatigue is a significant barrier to well being and weight control. But through trial and error, perseverance and the passing of time I am starting to win the battle.

I'm sick but back

I'm curled up on the couch today under a gorgeous crochet blanket that my Grandmother made for me way back when I was small. It's my go to blanket when I'm feeling poorly and in need of a comforting snuggle. Here it is below. Isn't it lovely?
This same blanket gives children protection from things that go bump in the night, makes you better if you are sick, as well as pouring it's rainbow of colours inside them to help them have wonderful dreams. I make up stories about it's magical properties when faced with kids with belly aches, who are scared of the dark at my place (we have no street lighting so its DARK) etc. It's basically a cure all and works a treat.

I've been away from my blog for what seems like ages. Life just became unexpectedly busy and full and now as it has slowed down again I've come down all fluey. Phht. A few weeks ago we received a call during our evening meal asking whether we could provide emergency accommodation for a Danish exchange student who needed to leave her original host. As I've mentioned before we were to host another girl but that fell through. We said yes and it turned out to be the best thing ever. We got to spend 2 wonderful weeks with a fun, sweet, considerate, mature and intelligent young lady. I didn't expect to bond with her but we bonded very quickly and became quite close. It was so special and she was a remarkable young lady. So the past couple of weeks have been full of sight seeing, movie nights, shopping, more sight seeing, bush walking, scout camps and lots of fun and good times. I'm so pleased that we said yes. Scroll down to see a post about one of our outings.

I've also done something big and monumental but will save that big step forward for a post of it's own....

Hope you are all well and haven't forgotten me!

How to walk nearly 9k

Head to Australia Zoo for the day and you can certainly burn off some calories. We recently became a host family to a delightful young Danish exchange scout (not the one we were originally to have), and she and I headed off to the zoo for the day.

We patted kangaroos. There are two large enclosures for the kangaroos and you just wander through and take photos, pat, take more photos as the fancy takes you. The roos have private sections where they can go and have some time out away from we annoying humans but there are always plenty to see. You can buy bags of feed for them to snack on too. We ran into my sister, Mum, my 4 year old niece and 2 almost 3 year old nephews while we were here. One nephew when asked what he had seen at the zoo answered, "A plane". In his defence one had just flown over! Good to see the pony ride he'd just had made an impact! :)
We oggled echidnas hiding in logs. Love echidnas (Australia's version of a hedgehog, porcupine although I think ours is anatomically a bit weirder reproductive wise).
We snapped snoozing koalas. A couple had babies but I wasn't able to get you a good photo as the bubs were snuggled right in. The little one below is having a bit of a feast.

Australia Zoo (of Steve Irwin fame) is a brilliant day out and it's shown me that I can walk a damn long way while having fun. It's close by and I have an annual pass so might have to include it in my 'places to walk regularly'. Was I tired after my big day at the zoo? Oh yes indeed. I was stuffed actually but our host daughter had a blast and that is what was most important.